The wait for a child referral can be exciting. It's the feelings of expecting without all the medical ups and downs, the excuse to eat what you want, the expanding belly and short lived shopping sprees for clothes that will still look new after a month but impossible to wear. It's setting up your nursery, shopping for baby items, choosing names, sharing your journey. It can be fun ...
... and it can be very difficult. You don't know your due date. You don't even have a general idea of what may be termed as over due or premature. You have a million questions to answer to people both known to you and strangers. Why adoption? Why Ethiopia? Why not "one of our own" from Canada / BC? Why this? Why that? But then there's what I didn't expect.
I didn't expect another agency on the otherside of Canada to be licensed. CAFAC was the only agency in Canada when it was time for our dossier to go to Ethiopia. Since then, another agency has been licensed for Canada. And I'm frustrated. I've got anger in me I didn't expect. I have jealousy. I have emotions that for the first time in this referral wait make me want to cry. I have found the referral wait to be very easy thus far. I haven't found myself being impatient, nervous, anxious or any of those "negative" things. Until today.
The new agency some how is providing referrals very quickly. I'm not talking a couple months. Not even a month. I'm talking days. Days under the number TEN. So here we are, having started an adoption almost a year ago. We even managed to have our dossier in Ethiopia two months ahead of our estimated schedule. People who use this new agency are receiving children looong under a year from starting the process. It doesn't seem fair.
On our adoption forums, people always celebrate together when someone gets a referral. The same questions are always asked: "Is it a boy or a girl? How old? How long did you wait? Do you know when you go? Can you send me a picture?" Another lady posted today that she received her referral. She used the other agency. I'm bitter. I don't even want to write my usual congratulations. Deep down, I'm happy for them. Deep down, I know she'll say congratulations to me when it's my turn. Deep down, I know it's a blessing. But right now, I don't even want to say congratulations, ask a single question or have a care. Right now, I don't even want to know. Tonight, it's just a bad night. Nothing personal, just pissy.
What it is, is jealousy. I know that. But can you really blame me? Can you blame the other expecting parents that have been waiting for referrals just as long or even longer? Some people have already been waiting over a year. I am sure they're having the same questions and feelings run through their heads. Why? What is our agency doing wrong? Are they doing anything wrong? Is something screwed up with this system?
No, I don't believe anything is wrong. I don't believe anything is screwed up. I don't believe anyone has explaining to do. What I do believe, and perhaps I am wrong, is that once the new agency clears out their foster home of waiting children, they'll be hitting the same waits our agency is hitting. Or maybe it's the difference of one agency having a waiting child program and the other not. I believe CAFAC doesn't take children into their foster home until they're matched with a referral, whereas others also take non-referred children, which isn't exactly what the Ethiopian government holds in high regard. Like I said though, I may be wrong. But for now that's my only reassurance and my only explanation that brings me an incling of satisfaction at this point.
CAFAC has tried to help us expecting parents using their agency better understand what can cause the waits and what they're doing on their end. But tonight I don't feel like all the answers are there. That's my honest opinion. Tonight, I do feel like a better explanation is required. Tomorrow, maybe I won't.
But at the same time, I try to remember that ultimately, God is in control. It is His master plan that is being fulfilled. I put this process in His hands, so why am I wanting to grasp it back and say it's not good enough? It is in His perfect timing, our child will be home. No matter what agency we use.
In reality, our referral could come tomorrow [then I'd regret writing this miserable post and think I'm such a fool] or it could come in another 12 1/2 months. Referral waits are taking as long as 18 months. We've only been waiting 5 1/2 months.
So forgive me for my ranting. I already feel better. And ending this post with God as the main focus in all of this has brought comfort. He needs to be in control, not me.
Our child will come and what a day that will be!
... and it can be very difficult. You don't know your due date. You don't even have a general idea of what may be termed as over due or premature. You have a million questions to answer to people both known to you and strangers. Why adoption? Why Ethiopia? Why not "one of our own" from Canada / BC? Why this? Why that? But then there's what I didn't expect.
I didn't expect another agency on the otherside of Canada to be licensed. CAFAC was the only agency in Canada when it was time for our dossier to go to Ethiopia. Since then, another agency has been licensed for Canada. And I'm frustrated. I've got anger in me I didn't expect. I have jealousy. I have emotions that for the first time in this referral wait make me want to cry. I have found the referral wait to be very easy thus far. I haven't found myself being impatient, nervous, anxious or any of those "negative" things. Until today.
The new agency some how is providing referrals very quickly. I'm not talking a couple months. Not even a month. I'm talking days. Days under the number TEN. So here we are, having started an adoption almost a year ago. We even managed to have our dossier in Ethiopia two months ahead of our estimated schedule. People who use this new agency are receiving children looong under a year from starting the process. It doesn't seem fair.
On our adoption forums, people always celebrate together when someone gets a referral. The same questions are always asked: "Is it a boy or a girl? How old? How long did you wait? Do you know when you go? Can you send me a picture?" Another lady posted today that she received her referral. She used the other agency. I'm bitter. I don't even want to write my usual congratulations. Deep down, I'm happy for them. Deep down, I know she'll say congratulations to me when it's my turn. Deep down, I know it's a blessing. But right now, I don't even want to say congratulations, ask a single question or have a care. Right now, I don't even want to know. Tonight, it's just a bad night. Nothing personal, just pissy.
What it is, is jealousy. I know that. But can you really blame me? Can you blame the other expecting parents that have been waiting for referrals just as long or even longer? Some people have already been waiting over a year. I am sure they're having the same questions and feelings run through their heads. Why? What is our agency doing wrong? Are they doing anything wrong? Is something screwed up with this system?
No, I don't believe anything is wrong. I don't believe anything is screwed up. I don't believe anyone has explaining to do. What I do believe, and perhaps I am wrong, is that once the new agency clears out their foster home of waiting children, they'll be hitting the same waits our agency is hitting. Or maybe it's the difference of one agency having a waiting child program and the other not. I believe CAFAC doesn't take children into their foster home until they're matched with a referral, whereas others also take non-referred children, which isn't exactly what the Ethiopian government holds in high regard. Like I said though, I may be wrong. But for now that's my only reassurance and my only explanation that brings me an incling of satisfaction at this point.
CAFAC has tried to help us expecting parents using their agency better understand what can cause the waits and what they're doing on their end. But tonight I don't feel like all the answers are there. That's my honest opinion. Tonight, I do feel like a better explanation is required. Tomorrow, maybe I won't.
But at the same time, I try to remember that ultimately, God is in control. It is His master plan that is being fulfilled. I put this process in His hands, so why am I wanting to grasp it back and say it's not good enough? It is in His perfect timing, our child will be home. No matter what agency we use.
In reality, our referral could come tomorrow [then I'd regret writing this miserable post and think I'm such a fool] or it could come in another 12 1/2 months. Referral waits are taking as long as 18 months. We've only been waiting 5 1/2 months.
So forgive me for my ranting. I already feel better. And ending this post with God as the main focus in all of this has brought comfort. He needs to be in control, not me.
Our child will come and what a day that will be!
10 comments:
Hi Sheri,
I so feel your pain in this and I can also relate to that agonizing wait time.
I also don't understand HOW this other agency is doing the super fast referrals, other than the reasons you mentioned.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but your referral WILL come and it WILL be such a blessing.
Hang in there
Lesley
I so understand and sympathize Sheri. I ended up switching agencies for my adoption. People ended up passing me and getting referrals so much quicker. People I had referred to the Liberia program got the referrals before me and I had already been waiting! It was so frustrating and hard. But there's always a reason. If I had been with the other agency I wouldn't have Thomas and Kya waiting for me. And I know in my heart, they are truly meant to be with me. So while I totally understand your heartache, I have been there, you're being lead to the child who is truly meant to be with you. The wait is always hard and it's okay to vent! Christi
Ahhh, this totally happens in all sorts of situations and you're right, it's nothing but annoying. But you're also right to end it the way you did, with God... gotta trust that it's for a reason. It might not make sense now or in a year even, but eventually it will all come clear :) Probably when you first lay eyes on your new child!
I'll say a prayer for you guys tonight :) It's gonna be totally awesome when it happens :D
Thank you for your honesty, as hard and brutal as it may be.
I think we must be soul sisters Sheri....I was feeling exactly what you were yesterday....posted it on my blog then came here and saw it on yours. It is anger, hurt, frustration, and a whole lot of jealousy to be exact. And it is sooooo frustrating when people receive referrals in days (it maybe would feel better if it was months or even weeks...but days...seriously! (my new favourite word) LOL)
I feel your pain, but everything has a time and a place, and one day we will look at our kids and see the world they live in and tell ourselves every moment of the painstakingly painful wait was worth it!
Louise
Hi Sheri;
Thanks for sharing your heart. My heart goes out to you. Waiting is so hard, but like you said, the Lord is ultimately in control and He has a Master Plan. One day you will have the joy of celebrating the bringing home of your precious little one. Then we will all celebrate with you.
Wishhhhhhhhing you Many Blessings; and God's strength and comfort in these months of waiting.
Love in Christ;
Laverna
Sheri - your blog was so intense and surprisingly REAL, I love that about you - it's no BS, just lay it out!
I can't even imagine how much this must be frustrating you. I mean, as i was reading your words I found myself halfway through with tears streaming down my face... which then turned into smoldering anger... I've been drowning in those emotions this week towards my family - I guess it was kind of a relief to be feeling them for someone else for once. You are constantly in my prayers - I wish I could come over and hang out...but it'll be a few more weeks until i'm close enough to actually do that... so hang onnn!
Sheri and Lyle,
Being in the same position as you, I truly understand all of your feelings as I am living most of them as well....
This wait is HARD no matter how we look at it and even harder when others starting their adoption a year later than us, receive their refferals before us....
However you and I both know Sheri and our littles ones are out there and they will give us the will, patience and strenght to make our way to them when the time is right !
Keep your chins up and hope you know that we are all in this with you guys !
Lisa xox
I can certainly understand your frustration, it makes me think of Sarah in the bible, who was promised a child and all around her were having them. She questioned and blamed God and then tried to work things out herself. Even so, God's plan was still in effect. I know that you are trusting God and waiting on Him and I encourage you to continue in that place, and I see that you are and that truly blesses me. It is good that you share your feelings with others, that we may pray for you and Lyle in this place and believe with you for your referrel to come. You are such an encouragement to others who are going through the same deep waters. When you rise to the top and take in all the fresh blessings that will be poured out what glory will shine from your faces!!
Hang in there guys, I understand the wait may seem unbearable at times. You both deserve the best possible outcome and the wait only proves that you will have that! Take care and love to both.
Ang. and Charles
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