What Not to Expect When You're Expecting

Nope, this post isn't about the acclaimed book teaching you about pregnancy, birth and that first year with your newborn.  This is for all those prospective adoptive parents out there.  I hate it that expecting adoptive parents are not given the same glory and stature as expecting biological parents.  So, here's my two bits:

Don't expect everyone to remember that you are expecting a child.  You never forget.  You feel it every day in a variety of emotions as the wait gets lengthy.  Others don't and they tend to forget that you are pregnant in your own way.

Especially for the ladies, don't forget that your friend, sister, aunt ... is expecting a child.  She may not be getting a fat belly.  She may still be able to give herself her own pedicure.  But she is expecting.  Adoptions are getting longer and longer so it's easy to forget.  Expecting mothers get discouraged often as the wait drags on.  Let them know that you support them not just in the exciting times like homestudy completions, referral times, travel times, but you also remember during the long, silent months.  You don't have to do anything outrageous or spend tons of money on them to show you remember.  Just let them know, you never forget.  But each expecting mother is different so also be sensitive to whether they want you decorating their nursery for them, seeing a picture frame you thought they'd like, buying them a rose on Mother's Day or just letting them know your praying for their child.

Don't expect baby showers.  They do happen for adoptive parents, but not always.  But do enjoy it when it does happen.  Or, just throw yourself one - you know you deserve it!

Come on friends and families.  Throw some parties.  It is more preferred by adoptive parents to have a shower before the child comes home, just like pregnant mothers, or long after they're home and into a routine.  It helps in providing for the necessary items, like clothes, diapers, blankets, monitors, toys ...  Adoptions cost so much that to leave the burden of also having parents buy all the stuff on their own is just mean.  You know you'd throw them a party before they give birth!

Don't expect flowers and baby balloons, but relish in them when they do come.

If you're greeting your loved ones at the airport, bring treats for them to show your excitement.  If you're not, have something delivered.  If you feel a need to deliver a treat yourself, don't expect to stay for a lengthy visit or cuddles with the new addition.  Drop off, congratulate and wait for the invitation to come visit later.

Don't expect meals being dropped off when you first arrive home with your new bundle of joy.  Because you don't have a newborn in your arms, people expect that life continues on as normal for you.  And the older the child you have, the less you will receive of anything.

When adoptive parents return home with their new addition [sometimes 2!!], so much needs to happen.  Aside from feeding, clothing, cleaning, and playing with the new child, no matter the age, other things are happening that are often taken for granted.  Attachment and bonding does NOT come as natural for adoptive children.  No matter the age, the children are traumatized.  Some have many feelings they need to deal with and no way of knowing how to in a healthy manner.  The world they just new disappeared and now they've entered a new one with complete strangers.  So prepare some meals.  Even freezer meals.  Make it a little easier for your friend / family member.  Be really organized and get a few people to do up a schedule to provide two weeks or more of meals!  You'll be thanked more than you can imagine. 

Don't expect people to come clean your house or offer to run a few errands for you.  You may wish it, but you may have to ask.

This is the most hardest ones for many newly adoptive parents, especially internationally adoptive parents because of the travel involved.  I know from our own experience that combining jet lag and thirty-one hours of travel with having a brand new traumatized addition was exhausting.  So doing two weeks worth of travel laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping, dishes etc. was not enjoyable.  So friends and family, offer to come by to help out.  Let the new family nap.  Let them go for a relaxing walk.  Do some work around the house for them.  Even just offer to come by to pick up their grocery list and money [unless you're offering to pay].  Do you honestly think that their milk, bread, eggs, veggies and fruit really stayed current in the fridge while they were away?  Do you think when they arrived home late that first day that they really wanted to go grocery shopping? 

Don't expect that everyone will be willing to honor the no touch rule, if you've instilled that.

This is different for every family.  Not everyone does this.  Some plan to do it, and find they don't.  Some don't plan to do it, and find they need to.  This rule is the hardest for the female relatives, especially new grandmas.  But it is an important one.  Many children come from orphanages, having many different caregivers everyday.  They don't understand what a parent is for.  They don't understand that one or two people can and will provide for their every need.  Many have never had a male figure in their life and now they  may have someone they call dad.  The children need to learn who they should seek their needs and comfort from first, before everyone else starts contributing.  But again, this is different for every family. 

Don't expect everyone to treat your family the same.

Especially bi-racial families, they will be stared at.  They will be asked tough questions.  They will be asked if they're the nanny or babysitter, even when the child calls them mom or dad.  The children will likely be introduced differently at some point in their life.  One of my friends has both biological and adoptive children.  Even in family gatherings they are treated differently.  They're introduced differently.  "These are the adoptive kids".  You know you've seen it in the tabloids, especially Angelina and the biological / own kids vs. adopted kids, listing each country they're from.  I've even had our son introduced as "He's adopted" and "He's from Ethiopia".  Really, people can't tell by looking at him that he's adopted?  They need the label said out loud?   Lyle was even accused and accosted for kidnapping our own son from the playground!  So friends and family, steer far, far away from labeling the children.  They will get it enough from the world that they won't need you referring to them differently.  I've heard my son referred to as the "orphan" and the "poor kid".  If you're a grandparent with your brag book, don't go through the list of grandkids all the same and then introduce them as "this is our adopted granddaughter".   You'll make them feel special in a healthy way by giving them your love and treating them no differently than the others.  They don't need the negative special feelings.

Adoptive Parents: If you think of other things that should be added, make a comment or send me an email.  I'd love to add it to the list.