When Friends Ask About Adoption

During one of our seminars [about ten months ago] I picked up a book called “When Friends Ask About Adoption”. It is a “question and answer guide for non-adoptive parents and other caring adults” written by Linda Bothun [Swan Publications 1987, 1996]. Below are some of the questions and answers from the book in hopes of helping many of our friends and family who may have the same questions.

Question Thirteen ~
How much did you pay for him?
Adoptive parents do not pay for a baby. They pay to have work done in order that they can adopt a baby. Fees that are charged an adopting couple are used to support the work of the agency. [page 38]

Question Fourteen ~
What do you call the man and woman who gave birth to your adopted child?
Some families elect to use “birth mother” and “birth father,” terms which are probably most popular within adoptive groups today. “Biological parents” or “bioparents” are words chosen by many. … The term “natural mother” is commonly used today. The media are fond of it, and it was used frequently to describe the surrogate mother in a recent court case. While the intent evidently is to interchange “natural” with “biological,” there is a tremendous difference in the connotations of the two words. “If she is the ‘natural mother’,” says on adoptive mother, “what am I? The ‘unnatural mother’? Please just say ‘biological’.”
It can be noted that these terms have in common the avoidance of the phrase “real parent”. The “real parent” is the one who cares for and nurtures the child. If a child suggests upon learning about his friend’s adoption, “Then Mrs. Jones is not Billy’s real mother,” he can be corrected with the assertion, “Oh, Mrs. Jones is Billy’s real mother. Another woman gave birth to Billy, but the woman who raises a child is his real mother. [pages 40 – 41]

Question Nineteen ~
When did you tell your child he was adopted, and when should I tell mine that his friend was adopted?
The widely-accepted statement within adoptive circles today is that an adopted child “should never remember a time when he didn’t know.” The debate is over how much he should know at each stage and when.
Most parents tend to begin by using the word “adopted” casually within their families, perhaps telling the story of “coming home from the adoption agency after we adopted you, what you wore, the cute blanket in your crib, how happy mommy and daddy were” – much as one does with a birth child. So the concept is there very early but most families today wait for questions before explaining more. The rather “even years,” developmentally speaking, of seven through ten are thought to be an ideal time for the adopted child to learn more, although of course questions need to be handled as they arise.
Probably the adopted child will mention the fact of his adoption to his friends. The friends will ask questions first of him and then of their own parents. Waiting for this opener may be the best way to proceed. Any manner of the “There is something I need to tell you about Johnny …” approach would add undue emphasis to the subject. [pages 50 – 51]
… the amount of information given to a young child is critical, and certainly the privacy of the adoptive could and the adopted child deserves foremost consideration there. Perhaps the questions that seem too personal could be truthfully answered, “I guess I don’t know. I am certainly glad, though, that Johnny is part of the Jones family.” [pages 52 – 53]

Question Twenty-Five ~
Should I refer to your adopted child as being somehow “special”? Is it more wonderful to be adopted, or to be born into a family?
These are simply two different ways of having a family. Neither is preferable. The important thing is that biological parents and adoptive parents alike want to have a family, and they are delighted when the baby arrives, by whatever method. [page 59]

Question Twenty-Seven ~
What’s in the heart of adoptive parents? Is there a different quality to the love they feel toward an adopted child as compared with a birth child?
Someone who is not an adoptive parent might assume there is a difference in the feelings, but the answer is a resounding NO. …
This is not to say there is no awareness that the child is adopted. That would amount to a denial of reality, the reality that a set of birth parents exists somewhere, that the child’s biological roots are elsewhere. But that does not change the quality of the love adoptive parents feel for their child. …
An adoptive family, like a biological family, wants a child, and when that child comes to them, by whatever method, they have the same kind of love in their hearts for him. And the bond between a parent and a child is built on love and obligation and trust – not on blood.
There may be an additional dimension to the feelings in the hearts of adoptive parents. Both families, the biological and adoptive, are thankful for their child. The adoptive family is thankful for the child, but there’s more than that. They are also thankful to someone, someone who gave them an incredible gift. [pages 61 – 62]

Question Twenty-Eight ~
Is an adopted baby your “real” sister, your “real” child?
Absolutely. An adopted child is as much a “real” member of the family as is a birth child. Blood is only one factor in relationship. A husband and wife, after all, are not blood relatives, and yet they certainly are members of the family. Adopted means belonging. [page 63]

Question Thirty ~
What are some “nevers” to remember when we are in the presence of adopted children?
Never, during introductions, say, “This is the Blacks’ adopted son, Billy.” Would you ever say, “This is Mary, the Browns’ biological baby”?
Never ask an adoptive parent in the presence of the children, “Which is your adopted child?”
Never say to newly adoptive parents, “Now you’ll have one of your own.” First of all, this baby is “Their Own.” Secondly, it is difficult to describe the pain a couple has gone through prior to receiving this child into their arms and hearts. True, couples sometimes do conceive after adopting. But that does not happen as often as it might seem from the stories that abound. At any rate, be pleased for the new family, but spare them the teasing. They may still be raw and hurting.
Never make “more of a fuss” over an adopted child in a family than you do over a biological sibling. Actually it’s preferable to overlook the distinction and treat both children, the adopted and the biological, just like everyone else’s kids. [page 66 – 67]

Question Thirty-Two ~
Do you “love her like your own”?
She is.