This post is more not about our in-process adoption of a daughter, but about our post-adoption life with a son. I figured I'd post it here since it is good food for thought when in process.
It talking with other families, I know not every family goes through the one-year anxieties with their children, but I can tell you ... WE SURE DID! Actually, I think everyone in our neighbourhood can tell you we did ... and still are.
Things started to go off about one and a half to two months before our Gotchya Day anniversary. We didn't clue into it right away. We've always tried hard not to read into everything Mikiyas does as being "because he's adopted". A lot of things are because he's his age, because he's a boy, and because he's got a very dramatic, humerous yet stubborn attitude. So we didn't see the anxieties hit him right away.
Mikiyas nightmares returned first but we didn't catch on. When he started to talk about being in Ethiopia, going back, and us leaving him there that things clicked in. Lyle and I have never asked Mikiyas specific questions about his life in Ethiopia. We've always made it clear that if he ever wanted to talk about Ethiopia, he could, but we never pressed him for any information. During the month before his one year anniversary, we learned what his house looked like, what his dog looked like and even a few tidbits on a couple of the people he lived with. The information he has given us we know to be true because we have photos and information put away showing the same things he talks about. He's never seen the information as it's been stored away. Mikiyas also shared with us his feelings on meeting us the first time.
Mikiyas has a terrific memory and understands Amharic when spoken to but answers in English. One day, out of reflex I think, he did say hot in Amharic before saying it in English. I think he even surprised himself!
Mikiyas' bed time apprehensions returned as well. Each night I was once again strongly confirming that I will not be going anywhere, I will not go in the car, and that I will only be in the next room. I also have to tell him what all I will be doing until I go to bed [making lunches for the next day, putting my pajamas on etc.]. Even at church when he goes to Sunday School, which he loves and used to tell me to "go", he clingy and I need to reassure him as to what room I will be in and that I will not go in the car without him. Not leaving in the car is a big thing. He even became really clingy never wanting me to leave him at his most favorite place on earth - daycare!
We know some of those things are stages that biological families go through too. Clinginess especially. But sometimes it's hard to differentiate what is not adoption related and what is when they're doing it all at the same time.
Most of the anxieties have dissipated over the last month. What is still going on now is anger. Lots of anger. Lots of emotions. Lots of high pitched screaming so everyone can hear. Lots of fighting and he's back to hitting, kicking and biting. One year ago at this time he was doing it too with my return to work. Now, we feel he's doing it out of healing. And as Mikiyas even says to us, he doesn't know why he's doing it, he just is. One day he told me it was because he "has to".
The biggest thing that people have said to us "how can he remember things, he's so young!?". Well, for one, he's only been here a year and although it's been fun, it doesn't wipe out any bad memories he may have had. He's still healing. And secondly, he's a young child with a very short life to remember. Literature states that children up to age 3 and 4 can remember being in the womb and delivery. Why can't he remember what happened to him a year ago or two years ago.
Regardless of the memories Mikiyas has of Ethiopia, and his fears associated with going there, he is still very adamant that he MUST go with us to get his sister. He is determined. And each time it does come up [although we don't push the topic around the house as it's so far away] he is reassured that he will come home to his bed, his toys and his house. Mikiyas is very excited about one day having a "little girl" around the house and he wants to be a part of it. Now before I get too ridiculed on this, we are taking precautions with this and are making sure things are in place to assist in the Ethiopia adventure [hopefully next year sometime].
It talking with other families, I know not every family goes through the one-year anxieties with their children, but I can tell you ... WE SURE DID! Actually, I think everyone in our neighbourhood can tell you we did ... and still are.
Things started to go off about one and a half to two months before our Gotchya Day anniversary. We didn't clue into it right away. We've always tried hard not to read into everything Mikiyas does as being "because he's adopted". A lot of things are because he's his age, because he's a boy, and because he's got a very dramatic, humerous yet stubborn attitude. So we didn't see the anxieties hit him right away.
Mikiyas nightmares returned first but we didn't catch on. When he started to talk about being in Ethiopia, going back, and us leaving him there that things clicked in. Lyle and I have never asked Mikiyas specific questions about his life in Ethiopia. We've always made it clear that if he ever wanted to talk about Ethiopia, he could, but we never pressed him for any information. During the month before his one year anniversary, we learned what his house looked like, what his dog looked like and even a few tidbits on a couple of the people he lived with. The information he has given us we know to be true because we have photos and information put away showing the same things he talks about. He's never seen the information as it's been stored away. Mikiyas also shared with us his feelings on meeting us the first time.
Mikiyas has a terrific memory and understands Amharic when spoken to but answers in English. One day, out of reflex I think, he did say hot in Amharic before saying it in English. I think he even surprised himself!
Mikiyas' bed time apprehensions returned as well. Each night I was once again strongly confirming that I will not be going anywhere, I will not go in the car, and that I will only be in the next room. I also have to tell him what all I will be doing until I go to bed [making lunches for the next day, putting my pajamas on etc.]. Even at church when he goes to Sunday School, which he loves and used to tell me to "go", he clingy and I need to reassure him as to what room I will be in and that I will not go in the car without him. Not leaving in the car is a big thing. He even became really clingy never wanting me to leave him at his most favorite place on earth - daycare!
We know some of those things are stages that biological families go through too. Clinginess especially. But sometimes it's hard to differentiate what is not adoption related and what is when they're doing it all at the same time.
Most of the anxieties have dissipated over the last month. What is still going on now is anger. Lots of anger. Lots of emotions. Lots of high pitched screaming so everyone can hear. Lots of fighting and he's back to hitting, kicking and biting. One year ago at this time he was doing it too with my return to work. Now, we feel he's doing it out of healing. And as Mikiyas even says to us, he doesn't know why he's doing it, he just is. One day he told me it was because he "has to".
The biggest thing that people have said to us "how can he remember things, he's so young!?". Well, for one, he's only been here a year and although it's been fun, it doesn't wipe out any bad memories he may have had. He's still healing. And secondly, he's a young child with a very short life to remember. Literature states that children up to age 3 and 4 can remember being in the womb and delivery. Why can't he remember what happened to him a year ago or two years ago.
Regardless of the memories Mikiyas has of Ethiopia, and his fears associated with going there, he is still very adamant that he MUST go with us to get his sister. He is determined. And each time it does come up [although we don't push the topic around the house as it's so far away] he is reassured that he will come home to his bed, his toys and his house. Mikiyas is very excited about one day having a "little girl" around the house and he wants to be a part of it. Now before I get too ridiculed on this, we are taking precautions with this and are making sure things are in place to assist in the Ethiopia adventure [hopefully next year sometime].
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing your experience, I was just reading in an adoption book about clinginess because kids are afraid their adoptive parents will leave them too. My heart aches for kids who have that fear, that is not something children should have to worry about. It sounds like you are doing a great job reasurring him!
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