Stretch Marks

It's been quiet around our house regarding the adoption. But, I didn't want you all to think we don't post on the blog anymore or keep you guys updated. We're still waiting for the referral. Each time I think I'll write a post I convince myself that I should wait another day, just in case the referral comes. But another day passes. As a lady posted on one of our forums, "I may not have stretch marks on the outside, but there are stretch marks on my heart that only I can see."

It seems like my posts lately have been verging on the depressing side. Trust me though, I'm not depressed. Every day I wish and hope that it is the big day of course, but I'm not yet moping around or ignoring my life that is happening. I'm enjoying each day I spend with Lyle, counting the days until Christmas. Continuing to work hard at my career, knowing that I won't always have the ability to give this much time to the office. We still window shop for what we'll need soon. Lately it's been stroller shopping. We're tossing around either the Quinny Buzz or the Peg Perego Pliko 3 Classico.

We're still very much encouraged by the whole adoption process. Our dossier went to Ethiopia two months ahead of our estimated schedule and we always expected this wait. I think too I'm keeping so busy lately that the wait isn't bothering me too much. Sometimes, like having frustrations with one agency going insanely faster than another or listening to the Third Day song "Merry Christmas", I shed my tears. I continue to remind myself that God has that perfect child on it's way. It's in His perfect timing that our referral will come. Knowing that He is in control is what has kept me encouraged.

At the same time though, it is a long wait. Each day continues the wait. I felt emotions rise a little during a visit with my mom this weekend. I tried to explain why ...

I felt complete when I was childless and married to Lyle. I loved him, and continue to, so much. I didn't think there was any more love in my to give. Then I unexpectedly became pregnant. I was overcome with a love I didn't know could exist. I loved my belly and the baby that was growing inside. It was amazing. Nothing I imagined. Then it was gone. I had a love I didn't know where to put. It's a different kind of love than what I had for Lyle. I wanted my "child" back. Three more pregnancies later, I still had nowhere for the love to go.

Then the adoption started. We had planned to adopt whether we had biological children or not. But, with failed pregnancies, it was our next step to expanding our family. The excitement came back. I was expecting again. The love I had been storing up for my children was expanding again. It had somewhere to go again. And that's where it is at. The love continues to grow. I have nowhere to put it. It needs to be shared with my ch
ild and some days it's hard to contain. Those are the occasional emotional days that happen. My cup runneth over. And I am excited. I can't wait. I have anticipation and joy just thinking about it. But that doesn't make every day the easiest day to get through.

Again ... "I may not have stretch marks on the outside, but there are stretch marks on my heart that only I can see."

PS ~ only 34 more sleeps until Christmas!!