FAITH GIVING HOPE ... but what if ...

I’ve been told I’m a strong person, both physically and mentally. I’ve been through numerous trials in my life. I’ve had my large share of hurt, pain and loss. Sometimes I brought it on myself in hopes of taking it away from someone else. If I could be greedy in taking pain away from others, I would. And I’ve always tried to reach the end of the storm with a story to share; a story that could encourage and bring hope to someone else. I continue to pray that God uses my difficult experiences to benefit other people. God has never let me down. He’s always been faithful to answer that. This helps me see a purpose even with the hardest trials.

Throughout the adoption Lyle and I have been an awesome team. When one of us is sad, or frustrated, the other has always been there to encourage. When there’s been a negative feeling, the other is there with the positive. We’ve not let each other down. Until this weekend.

It’s not like we got horrible news on Friday. We just boiled over. We both hit a low at the same time. We tried to encourage each other when we could. There would be moments of laughter and fun. Then all of a sudden, there’d be anger and tears. Neither of us meant anything at each other. The stress just boiled over. It’d last a short time and we’d be back to laughing and enjoying life. Then it’d start all over again, the vicious circle seemed never ending

Saturday night as I was home alone briefly, I found myself staring at a pot of boiling water that slowly spit water over the sides. I wanted the pot to just stop. I wanted the noise to stop. I wanted the water to stay in. I wanted the pot to control the water.

And my inner pot boiled over. I broke down in tears.

At first I didn’t know how to write this blog. I didn’t know how to share what was happening. Too many words were going through my head. Nothing big was happening so why all the frustration all of a sudden? How do I share that something little hit us so hard? Maybe I shouldn’t share. We’ve been so strong for so long. We’ve been through worse. Why now? Maybe I shouldn’t show that we do have weakness.

I talked to my mom late Sunday night. This is what she wrote as a mother watching her daughter:

The term of expectation was long, very long
Disappointment was the experience of the past, time and time again
The end and new beginning was far from sight
And a part of your very being was so far away, you couldn’t touch it.

What would you feel?

You are busy. Busy making sure your house is in order, the paperwork complete and all the unending questions answered…there, now everyone is looked after, everyone but you.

“What’s this I am feeling? Why don’t you understand? Why don’t you let me do what I think is best? Why are you trying to manage my life, my future? Why do you even think I need your help? Why do you insist on making the easy parts difficult? Why do I have to cook supper tonight, go to the store, get gas in the car or even make the bed? Why are these things feeling so huge? Why is my pot of emotion coming to a boil?”

Isn’t that what most pots do when the heat is applied? Heat in this case being the everyday stress of life.

I am proud of you both for standing strong and sure over the years as tests and trials have come your way. I know that most expectant parents deal with uncertainties but the two of you have faced some extremes and I know many other adoptive parents do too.

My advice to you is to continue in your journey taking one day at a time and fit into your schedule time to let go of the stuff, yes stuff that keeps being thrown into the pot to deal with later. Don’t let it pile up and become something it isn’t. It may not appear important now and that’s why it gets tossed in. But left to accumulate, it later rises to something it’s not. Cry when you need to, then wipe away the tears; be sad if you have to and then tell someone who cares. If you need a hug ask for one, someone will always be there.

It is a wonderful process that you are sharing with all of us and you are a blessing to many with your honesty and insight. We are all very grateful to be a part of your lives. You are enabling us all to understand this walk that many take. Be confident that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are one of its rays!!