To Trust or Not To Trust Part II

I am going to do something I didn’t plan to do. On my post “To Trust or Not To Trust” I received a comment that I have not yet published. I left it aside to think about for a while. I didn’t know how to respond. After much thought, and discussion with Lyle, I’ve decided to respond to their comment. It was an anonymous so I cannot email them directly. I am left to make it public. I presume they knew that once a comment is posted, I have the right to make it available for everyone to read. Their comment is in blue, and I’ve responded to each paragraph in black.

Please note, I do not want to make this a debate. Comments can be made, but I do not plan to make further posts on this topic.

I also provided the comment and my response to our agency for their input. She has allowed me to post her own thoughts, which I've done in red.

As a society we are overrun with consumerism. What can we get, how fast can we get it, how cheaply can I get it, who is going to give me the best deal...we see it on TV, in magazines, in the newspaper, in stores it is taking over. The adoption process should NOT be part of this.

It is not the plan to make the adoption process part of consumerism, but you do take into consideration the thousands of dollars that are incurred as a result of adopting. There are many people that would adopt if they could afford it. So yes, you do consider costs. You do look at available agency options to see who can better fit your needs, timing and budget. Some agencies have different processes available and things move quicker. Some only go with specific countries. Some provincial agencies only work with some federal agencies. And as any other expecting adoptive parent can attest to, you do want to have your children home as soon as possible. Each day is another day that I miss out on my son’s life. His first words have been said. His first steps have been done. His first birthday has come and gone. Although we will not be traumatized by this, they are important milestones that all parents value whether biological or adopted.

When someone is a good consumer- they check out all their options, check out the product they will get from each option, what the varying costs will be, and what in the end will give them the best product, for the least cost, and in the most timely manner.

Once they lay down their money on their venue of choice, the consumer expects to get what he paid for, in the time he was expecting, in the condition he was expecting, and for the cost that he agreed to.

If the product is faulty in any way- or the company does not give the consumer what they expected - they can return the faulty product, cancel their order, have their funds returned, and if really ticked, report the venue to a business association for not fulfilling their part in the deal.

These concepts cross over into adoption, as you have outlined in your response with the process families go through deciding which agency and country to apply to. While it may work for this first piece (maybe) - it is unfortunately a bad model for the adoption experience. It cannot help but frustrate people. All that needs to happen to make the initial search invalid is for a country to close, change their regulations, or slow down in their adoption placements. Where does that leave the consumer who was so careful? Where does he put blame? Is it appropriate to blame?

The process of adoption may have predictable steps, the agency competent and successful in placements but how long the process will take for each family, what twists and turns the journey will take, what additional steps may be added after the family begins their journey, and any other number of unknowns is a normal part of the adoption world. For a consumer this is so frustrating- because when they did their "due diligence" research, none of the unknowns existed. The consumer feels they either failed in their research, the venue has failed them, someone withheld facts , or perhaps feel they must blame someone.

The children themselves bring another whole "unknown" aspect to the adoption process that no one can see ahead of time either. And another arena for a consumer to be sent reeling with frustration. I have had persons tell me that the child they were proposed, or accepted and brought home " was not what I paid for/asked for!!" Spoken like a true consumer.

Consumerism models just don't fit with adoption. While a small piece of adoption is about competence of services, getting correct information, and timely service, enough of the process is open to so many unknowns that a family really has to be trusting- and throw the consumerist model away.

This process is about the children! It is NOT about families in Canada, or any other country in the world who are sitting comfortably in our heated / air conditioned homes, with fridges, freezers and cupboards full of food. It is about children who have had to endure circumstances and events that most of us as adults have not had to endure and probably won't ever have to endure.

I agree that this is about the children, BUT IT IS about families in Canada as well. If it were just about the children, it would be a lot easier, and more helpful, to sponsor children. For the same dollar amount that my husband and I are incurring to adopt one child, we could sponsor 17 children and their families for five years. If it were just about children, sponsorship would be the most beneficial route.

It is also about people expanding their families. Having their lives completed by having children join their home that maybe they couldn’t otherwise do. If adoption were not about the families, there would be a lot less. Some adoptive families would not be formed were it not for the fact that they physically could not bear biological children. This gives them an option to complete their lives too.

If it were just about the children, there’d be people “saving” kids with no real desire to raise the children and be parents. As a parent, your heart has to be ready. It is not easy just raising a child. Throw in some mixed races, “you’re not my real mom” conversations, or “you’re taking one of ours away” conversations and you’ve opened a door to a lot of pain.

It is also about parents making the choice to place their child for adoption. It’s about them as well. The loss they will feel. The questions they will have later in life. Perhaps always wondering what happened to their child.

And adoption eventually becomes about a lot of people. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, teachers … the entire community is affected.

While the whole point of adoption is to bring children and families together, and both have strong needs to be together, driving them together, it is often the sad fact that the adoption process becomes about what the parent needs or wants. The children are forgotten.

Even when the two finally meet , the focus is often about the parent- "I finally have my child" "I see a child who needs me" " I cannot imagine my life without this child being part of it" "I want to hold my child and know they are real" "Isn't my child adorable in this outfit" " This child is just like my sister/brother/husband/wife" These are very real feelings, emotions, claiming behaviors, and meet needs for adults.

But somewhere in this the child needs to be acknowledged with their feelings of " Will someone love just me the way I am ?" Who can I be special to" "When can I stop worrying/feeling sad? " "Am I safe at night, will someone come when I call?" " I am scared! - What is happening and who are these people?" "Where are the people I loved before?"

Success in parenting and approaching adoption is putting the adult needs aside and focusing on the child' s needs; to meet those first. And then if the adult needs are met - ( and they usually are) everyone is happy. But every parent needs to know that some children may never meet their needs, and they will always be doing and helping the child meet the child's needs.

The difference between being parent focused and child focused is subtle, and takes insight on both parents and agencies parts , to walk carefully between the needs of both. And putting agency success measurements where they should be- on long term outcomes of how children and families do after placements.

You can see where the issues of instant child proposal gratification, fast tracked paperwork, special treatment or consideration of any individual, pushing /hurrying offices and officials, circumventing regulations or process, are not child focused, or about meeting children's need for safe, ethical, legal and carefully reviewed adoptions.

There are now 2 agencies and that is FABULOUS! It means more children will find families that they need. Does that mean these agencies are in "Competition" with each other. I don't believe so. I think both agencies have the same goal - to find homes for the children. They should be motivated by the children and the children alone.

Two agencies is “fabulous”. More children are already coming into Canada because of the second agency opening up. There are more than sixty-five agencies throughout the world working with Ethiopia. This is wonderful news. I don’t think either agency sets out as their goal or mission to be in competition. But the people who run an agency are human too. And it is human nature to be one of the best; to succeed. If there wasn’t some level of competition, a lot of drive to succeed would be gone.

Business is business, whether you’re selling cornflakes or helping families adopt children. Not to materialize the children, but to succeed, you have to run a business as a business should be run. This includes the competitive level.

You don’t send your child to daycare or school without seeing what best suits your child / family needs. You get references, ask questions, and explore your possible options BECAUSE YOU CARE.

They may do things differently but that does not mean one is right and the other is wrong. They are just different. Different never means better or worse! Being a family of mixed races, this is something that you will deal with your whole lives in various ways. In our culture as soon as something is "Different' we jump all over it...that has to stop.

From this statement I am going to assume that you are not an adoptive parent – at least not yet – and that you do not understand the process. There actually is a right and wrong way. In Ethiopia there is only one process. To step out of that process, you can ruin not only the specific family’s adoption, but you can ruin it for an entire country.

So when things start appearing to be running differently, you must question what is happening. Is my paperwork going to have to change? Is my process going to change? Will things slow down or get quicker? A change just took place starting in January of this year in Ethiopia that has caused some delays for families.

Adoptive families enjoy receiving encouragement, support, and friendships with other adoptive families. They talk in forums, through emails and phone calls. They become friends meeting up at get togethers. They share their experiences and where they are at in the process. This is important not only for parents to have support, but for kids growing up to be with other kids of the same ethnicity, culture, background and having been adopted.

Differences raise questions. When we ask your agency and they say nothing is changed and all is well, we do wonder why someone else’s process is different, because we know that by Ethiopian law, the actual processes are not to be different. Minor differences like whether to use the diplomatic pouch or a courier is one thing but when big differences occur, you can't not expect people to question things.

I hope that gives a better understanding why questions are raised about differences, and why trust in your agency can sometimes sway.

And if I jumped all over everything that was different … I wouldn’t be welcoming an Ethiopian child into my life.

Are they 'our' children...well, yes they will be - by the grace of God and the country of Ethiopia - because utimately they are the children of Ethiopia. Ethiopia, with the best interest of the children at heart, has blessed us so much, allowing us to bring their children into our homes - because that, right now, is what is best for the children.

Nothing to comment here.

You have to be comfortable with your agency, and when you have a question you need to ask them. Not everyone but them. The competition between the agencies is actually not between the agencies - it has been created by people in the adoption world - for whatever reason. I really don't understand. Gossiping, spreading rumors, telling half truths, making assumptions and jumping to conclusions isn't doing anyone any good - as far as I can see - all that it is accomplishing is causing undo stress, anxiety and frustration for everyone involved.

I’ve hopefully responded to this enough above.

If you are not happy with your agency, if you don't trust your agency - then you simply should not be with them - you have a choice.

If only that were so easy!! Switching agencies is not simple. If I were to say I don’t trust and I want to stop, I’d lose my son. My darling son that I lie awake at night thinking about, I would never even meet. Some people have switched agencies early enough in their process and they were only affected by additional time and money.

Do we have a choice at this point? No. Did we ever have a choice? No. When we potentially could have had a choice, the second agency was not in existence.

Something that is not right for one family, is simply not right for that family, for their own personal reasons - it doesn't make it wrong or right globally.

Nothing to comment here.

Each child has their own story, their own set of circumstances - this makes each adoption process it's own process. Things may happen, and often do, the process will pan out differently for each and every adoption. Ethiopia is a third world country. Things do not operate there as they do here. And as much was we want them to, we can't and should not force and our ways on them.

Things are very different. And coming from a legal perspective, I have to say I like the court systems, immigration, government documents in Ethiopia much better. They run so much smoother and much quicker …

I believe that both agencies are doing their very best, they are doing what they do for the children. Adoption is not for the fait of heart - it is a long and very emotional roller coaster - lets not make it harder than it already is.

As an adoptive mom … I believe this wholeheartedly.

It will happen - your children will find their way into your arms, home and heart. Trust that they will. If you can't trust, then you need to make a change.

Not being able to trust, doesn’t always mean a change needs to happen. Sometimes it’s just acceptance. Or realization that things work out regardless. In our case, we have chosen to trust our agency. They brought us this far and we know they will see it through to the end.

Trust is one of the hugest pieces in the adoption process. Everyone has to trust. The family has to trust the agency and the people working in it, the agency has to trust the country and their working partners, and the family to be who they say they are, the country has to trust the agencies and families to live up to their promises for the children's sake.

If trust was implicit- then working agreements, contracts and other signed documentation could be done away with. Experience teaches that trust has to be stated, signed, regulated, and understood by all parties. Already there is the fist chip in the trust foundation as we sign and sign documentation to ensure we are trustworthy.

When trust begins to fade further between any of these partners in the process, it makes the adoption journey even more difficult. However, all adoptions require trust to be completed, and so no one can escape that they have no control and must trust in others to do something that is highly emotional, forever, and unpredictable.