What Do You Get When ...

Let me begin by saying I wasn't going to post about this at all, especially on the public blog.  I changed my mind though.  When I originally started the blog oh-so-many years ago, I hoped that I'd not only keep our family and friends up-to-date with things, but also help people learn more as there wasn't always enough information out there.  I was one of a handful of blogs out there in the beginning.  Of course, times have changed and there's a million blog resources out there now.  

So this morning when I was pondering on whether to share, I was reminded of continuing to use what we go through to help others.  Even without going into specifics on some things, it can be done.  I find a lot of times, once children are home, blogs go private or those that remain public focus on the wonderful things that happen.  I put our blog private and shared A LOT about some of the trials we went through after Mikiyas came home.  People relished in the honesty and realization that it ain't always easy.  And that they weren't alone.

I decided to do this post public, without a ton of specifics, to remind people to be prepared.  And that once the child is home, it doesn't mean the journey is over.  It's life long.  It's happy and joyous, and sometimes quite painful.  Also, I know that Mikiyas has a HUGE heart of gold.  He has a teaching instinct built into his mind.  He is overflowing with compassion.  I know that if we share enough to help one person, he is comfortable with the embarrassment of people knowing.  So no, I'm not a terrible mother sharing the privacy of my son.

But, for all you waiting parents, not every adoptive family goes through this either.  Some children are affected in no way.  Some are affected differently.  Each child is unique.  

So, what do you get when ... 

... it's the month before your Gotchya Day anniversary and your sub-conscious works overtime.  You don't know what to do with the emotions that come from nowhere.  One area of your life regresses back into a toddler stage.  Every year it's the same, but you still catch everyone by surprise, including yourself.  You don't know what your mind is going through.  Your body confuses you.  You're unsure how to verbalize.

... your family gets a referral for a new sister.  You are over the moon excited, but right now?  At the same time you are already confused about your own situation?  Life needs to be about you right now.  More questions arise.  The waiting isn't helping.  Why is mom always doing adoption papers all of a sudden?  Why is she complaining about the bank?  She has a different Ethiopia mommy?  Why?  What happened? 

... these two crazy things are making me think about my Ethiopia family.  All the questions.  All these new thoughts.  All these crazy feelings.

You get Mikiyas.  You get our son expressing some rage.  You hear very hurtful words come from his mouth that you know he doesn't mean.  You know it's not personal.  You know come morning it will all be as if it didn't happen.  You deal with it as best as you can.  As much as you want to get angry back and yell and cry and let him know just how much it hurts, you don't.  You take a deep breath and talk in the calmest way you can.  You share love.  And you be patient.  So much patience.  You wait for him to let it out and be ready to listen to your own loving words.  You wait for him to allow you to hold him and accept everything you have to offer.  And you never, ever blame.

And then you wait for it to happen again.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe next week.  Maybe this year's pain is over and it's done until next anniversary.  But you hope it never comes back.  But you wait, just in case.

I share this, not looking for sympathy.  I share this, in hopes that you other parents going through things like this privately, may know that you are not alone.  You are not a horrible parent.  You are not doing a bad job raising your child.  Your child is not evil.  It just happens to some of us.  And, as all things work for the good to those who believe, amazing things will come from this.  It will make you and your child stronger.  It may just be the thing that allows your child to be a very gifted person in a different way from somebody else.  

When I was young, I went through something very crappy.  I never understood why.  I tried to figure out why I deserved it.  Many years later I was working on the streets of Vancouver with homeless teens.  No one could reach this one girl.  I finally grasped and told her of this thing in my life.  She finally grabbed on for help.  And she went home, to her family.  My story was never told again.  But I knew at that moment that had I not gone through it, I wouldn't have reached her deep down where she needed it.  And, for me, it made my pain worth it.  I can only hope and pray that Mikiyas' pain and hurt will be part of what continues to mold him into the most compassionate child I've ever met.