Pregnancy vs. Adoption

Not too long ago a friend had asked me how I was handling the referral news.  When she was expecting her second child it was overwhelming at times.  A big adjustment to think about.  It can throw your mind in a muddle knowing that 9 months later you'd be having a second child running around.  She had asked if I had accepted the reality yet; whether I was out of sorts in my mind with the news.

A lot of answers rolled through my head.  None of them did I really expect her to fully grasp from my perspective.  I did tell her that things can happen in different timings during the adoption process.  People often attach to their child at different stages simply because the process is much longer than nine months. 

Accepting the fact that I had a daughter was never an issue for me.  I've always known that I have had one.  We have never said "when we have one" or "if we have one".  We've also said "we have a daughter in Ethiopia right now" when having to discuss our family.  We've always had a daughter; Mikiyas has always had a sister.  She just isn't home.  So the news that we have a daughter was not shocking.  It was not overwhelming.  It did not make me feel out of sorts knowing that I'd be having another child enter my home.  It was a fact we already knew.  Perhaps that is why I didn't freak out when we got our referral.  Why I was so calm.

We have been on this journey for three and a half years now.  The news that we have a daughter is nothing new; it's not a surprise.  The only difference at this point is that we have a name and a photograph.  We now know a little more information about our daughter we've always had.

Attaching to her?  It is different.  I can say that I am attached to this beautiful little girl.  I'm loving her more each day.  I'm accepting her and embracing the reality that she will be home.  Bonding and deep attachment will come and grow as we spend each and every day with her.

So things happen in different timing.  But to compare adoption and pregnancy, I think of it like this:  

Starting the adoption process is like finding out you are already expecting.  The excitement and joy in knowing that you are now going to have a new child is in full force.  Yahoo!  

Once you receive your referral it's like having your first ultra sound and seeing your baby growing.  The true reality and butterflies come.  But you already knew you were pregnant.  Now it's just that much more real.  It just takes much, MUCH longer to reach that "ultrasound / referral stage" for adoptive families.

Waiting for court to make you the legal parents of your expected child is like waiting through the first trimester.  Confirmation that it "stuck"; that the danger period is over.  You're now safe to tell all the other people you haven't already told.  You're now able to say with confidence "I AM EXPECTING".  And you can even feel confident in telling the approximate due date.  Of course, even pregnancy due dates can be off.  Kids can be early or late.

Traveling hours on end to a third world country, embracing a new culture, language, food, people etc. is called labor.  Contractions can be painful as you go through multiple security checks and lack of sleep and continue to complete mounds of paper work.  

Coming home with a huge amount of jet lag and a child that doesn't know you, the house, the food, the smells, the pets, the voices, the language .... that's like coming home from the hospital.  It isn't much different.  And even if the adopted child is not a newborn, it sure isn't easy.  Mikiyas was almost three and I had months of sleepless nights.  Different reasonings than a newborn but same results.  What can be different is the view outsiders have: the adopted child isn't newborn so there's no need to offer help cleaning or meals or coming by so mom can have a nap.  No matter the age, the process and being home with a brand new child is exhausting.

So is pregnancy and adoption much different?  Yes and no.  All depends on how you look at it.