Yesterday's rant had me thinking even more so I'll rant about another thing.
Why do we have to be labeled? I see it a lot when celebrities are discussed. Brad and Angelina get it a lot in the headlines ... their 3 bio-children and 3 adoptive children. Tom Cruise and his 2 adoptive children and 1 bio-child.... and so on.
I was recently at a family function. It was not my son and I. It was my adoptive son and I. Family updates often occur, not with "they have 1 child" but "they have 1 adopted child". Why? When I am asked how many children I have I simply answer "1". I don't say "1 adopted child". I am no better than anyone else and our family should not be acknowledged any differently than a family with bio-children. I think that falls under the category "good racism", if there is such a thing.
It is not that we are not proud adoptive parents. It is not that we have anything to hide. It is simply because we do not want our family, especially our children, to be treated or labeled any differently than any of their other family members.
I've heard families be introduced like this [names made up]: "This is our son, John, his wife, Jane, and children Sam and Darla. This is our other son, Fred, and his wife, Wilma, and children, Betty, Veronica and Reggie, and their adopted child, Archie.". Why? Even in families there is a distinguishment that shouldn't be there. Will that child grow up wondering why he's always introduced separately?
And it doesn't just happen with adoptive families. It happens with blended families too. When we as adults place labels on the children, the children grow up labeling themselves. I am the step-daughter, not daughter. I am the half-sister, not sister. I am the step-mom, not mom. I am the adopted son, not son. I am the black child. I am the handicapped child. I am the grandmother through marriage......
Why is that everyone feels a need to place labels? Why are we not just children, siblings, parents...?
Why do we have to be labeled? I see it a lot when celebrities are discussed. Brad and Angelina get it a lot in the headlines ... their 3 bio-children and 3 adoptive children. Tom Cruise and his 2 adoptive children and 1 bio-child.... and so on.
I was recently at a family function. It was not my son and I. It was my adoptive son and I. Family updates often occur, not with "they have 1 child" but "they have 1 adopted child". Why? When I am asked how many children I have I simply answer "1". I don't say "1 adopted child". I am no better than anyone else and our family should not be acknowledged any differently than a family with bio-children. I think that falls under the category "good racism", if there is such a thing.
It is not that we are not proud adoptive parents. It is not that we have anything to hide. It is simply because we do not want our family, especially our children, to be treated or labeled any differently than any of their other family members.
I've heard families be introduced like this [names made up]: "This is our son, John, his wife, Jane, and children Sam and Darla. This is our other son, Fred, and his wife, Wilma, and children, Betty, Veronica and Reggie, and their adopted child, Archie.". Why? Even in families there is a distinguishment that shouldn't be there. Will that child grow up wondering why he's always introduced separately?
And it doesn't just happen with adoptive families. It happens with blended families too. When we as adults place labels on the children, the children grow up labeling themselves. I am the step-daughter, not daughter. I am the half-sister, not sister. I am the step-mom, not mom. I am the adopted son, not son. I am the black child. I am the handicapped child. I am the grandmother through marriage......
Why is that everyone feels a need to place labels? Why are we not just children, siblings, parents...?
4 comments:
Good posts! I remember a long time ago being horrified reading an obituary when it said " predeceased by his children, so and so, and his adopted child, so and so". I mean seriously, why was it necessary to differentiate between the two!?!?!
I totally agree. Even before I knew for sure that we were going to take the plunge and pursue our dream of adopting, this really bothered me. I worked on an adolescent unit in a hospital, and parents were always referred to as "bio mom", "adoptive mom", "foster mom", as if bio and adoptive moms are two different things - e.g., one more "real" or permanent than the other. Sure, for medical records purposes, note on the chart that the child is adopted, but then just refer to the parents as the parents. There just seemed to be all kinds of implications (both about the child & the "realness" of the parent-child relationship - and often as if the adoption factor explained any difficulties the child and/or family was having) by constantly putting that qualifier in front of the words "mom" or "dad"...
Sheri,
Both this post and the previous are so eloquently written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts...I may link back to you or borrow a couple of your thoughts upon which to build a post...I hope you don't mind? (I'll give credit of course)
Thank you for provoking more thought on 2 really prevalent and important topics.
Ashleigh
Bravo! Totally agree with you!
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