I was having an email conversation with a friend of mine this morning. She is adopting from Ethiopia, although I suspect that the fact that she pregnant now will put the adoption on hold. Congratulations to a dear friend - you know who you are!
So I courageously asked her if they had been "trying" or if this was a surprise for them. After hearing her answer and some details about it, I came to realize something about my thinking.
I've been friends with these people for quite a while. I had never asked them why they were adopting. I never ask any of my friends why they are adopting. Why is that?
I get curious sometimes, but I never really have the guts to ask people why. Do they "have to" adopt or is it by "choice"? I find there's no real way of asking it without sounding intrusive and sometimes, even offensive [depending on the receiver of the question]. It isn't really an offensive question. I hope people don't think that I don't care about their adoption journey, especially since I don't mind telling people ours. It's just that I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Most people assume adoption is because people cannot have bio-children or, as most people say, "children of your own". Because we are a choice family, and we know many of our adoptive-family friends are by choice, we just assume everyone is to some degree. And really, especially if I've just met you, I consider it none of my business to know your entire medical history if you're adopting because you are unable to have bio-children.
Other people don't think that way. It is almost always assumed that we could not have bio-children. People have seriously taken only a glance of our family and made comments such as these:
"Sorry you couldn't have your own."
"You'll see. Once the stress is gone and you're not thinking about it, you'll get pregnant. It happens all the time. Then you'll have your own." [So what do I do? Send my adoptive child back if I keep the receipt for 45 days?]
"How long did you try before you had to adopt?"
Can we have bio-children? I can tell you now, I can't. I happily chose to get my tubes tied. When we started Mikiyas' adoption could I have had a bio-child? Apparently, yes.
I get so tired of being asked by people, whether we know them or not, whether we can have children of our own. Each time the word is said, I answer with "he is our own" and I'm usually looked at with disgust and told "you know what I mean". I do ... but does my five year old standing next to me understand?
I think one reason I don't ask the question too is because I never want anyone to feel that they aren't as good as others. Some people put adoptive families "by choice" on a pedestal. "Wow - to save a child like that is amazing" versus "oh - sorry you couldn't have your own." There should be no distinguishing between the two. If someone has to be held higher, the families that tried to have bio-children and can't, should be. They're the ones who for long periods of time endured incredible hardships before their adoption journey even began.
In a sense, every family out there who has / is / will adopt is adopting by choice. Even if they are unable to have a bio-child, they have chosen to adopt. Is it a second choice, third choice, fourth choice - who cares! That's none of our business, none of your business, and no business of the lady in line next to you at the grocery store. Besides, should any adoptive child grow up thinking "I'm the third choice.". No. All of us adoptive parents chose to take this journey. We all chose to endure the rollercoasters, the paper chases, the financial hardships, the exclusion in some circles of those who don't agree, the racial comments directed towards inter-racial families .... we all chose to embrace a child as our own regardless of the blood lines. We all chose to have a child of our own through a miracle. We all chose this amazing gift.
So I courageously asked her if they had been "trying" or if this was a surprise for them. After hearing her answer and some details about it, I came to realize something about my thinking.
I've been friends with these people for quite a while. I had never asked them why they were adopting. I never ask any of my friends why they are adopting. Why is that?
I get curious sometimes, but I never really have the guts to ask people why. Do they "have to" adopt or is it by "choice"? I find there's no real way of asking it without sounding intrusive and sometimes, even offensive [depending on the receiver of the question]. It isn't really an offensive question. I hope people don't think that I don't care about their adoption journey, especially since I don't mind telling people ours. It's just that I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Most people assume adoption is because people cannot have bio-children or, as most people say, "children of your own". Because we are a choice family, and we know many of our adoptive-family friends are by choice, we just assume everyone is to some degree. And really, especially if I've just met you, I consider it none of my business to know your entire medical history if you're adopting because you are unable to have bio-children.
Other people don't think that way. It is almost always assumed that we could not have bio-children. People have seriously taken only a glance of our family and made comments such as these:
"Sorry you couldn't have your own."
"You'll see. Once the stress is gone and you're not thinking about it, you'll get pregnant. It happens all the time. Then you'll have your own." [So what do I do? Send my adoptive child back if I keep the receipt for 45 days?]
"How long did you try before you had to adopt?"
Can we have bio-children? I can tell you now, I can't. I happily chose to get my tubes tied. When we started Mikiyas' adoption could I have had a bio-child? Apparently, yes.
I get so tired of being asked by people, whether we know them or not, whether we can have children of our own. Each time the word is said, I answer with "he is our own" and I'm usually looked at with disgust and told "you know what I mean". I do ... but does my five year old standing next to me understand?
I think one reason I don't ask the question too is because I never want anyone to feel that they aren't as good as others. Some people put adoptive families "by choice" on a pedestal. "Wow - to save a child like that is amazing" versus "oh - sorry you couldn't have your own." There should be no distinguishing between the two. If someone has to be held higher, the families that tried to have bio-children and can't, should be. They're the ones who for long periods of time endured incredible hardships before their adoption journey even began.
In a sense, every family out there who has / is / will adopt is adopting by choice. Even if they are unable to have a bio-child, they have chosen to adopt. Is it a second choice, third choice, fourth choice - who cares! That's none of our business, none of your business, and no business of the lady in line next to you at the grocery store. Besides, should any adoptive child grow up thinking "I'm the third choice.". No. All of us adoptive parents chose to take this journey. We all chose to endure the rollercoasters, the paper chases, the financial hardships, the exclusion in some circles of those who don't agree, the racial comments directed towards inter-racial families .... we all chose to embrace a child as our own regardless of the blood lines. We all chose to have a child of our own through a miracle. We all chose this amazing gift.
9 comments:
Amen sister! seriously why should I have to explain everything to everyone? UGH You should HEAR the things people said to us when we told them we were expecting Navae...
I enjoyed your post!
Well said! So far we haven't had a lot of rude comments from others. I do think often people make an assumption that we are adopting because we cannot have biological children. My answer to those who imply or assume our reasons for adopting is to simply say "this is the way we have chosen to have a family" I sometimes talk more about our journey if it is someone I know well and trust. Thanks for this post.
Allison
I think you share perfectly about "own" and "choice", Sheri.
Thanks so much for your words.
Ashleigh
That's so well said. Great post!!
Oh boy isn't this the truth. We are the tried to do it old school way, can't so there... and then "chose" adoption. And I still am getting the oh, so are you pregnant yet? Mmmmm, no.
Honestly, I have zero desire to be. I have dealt with that, mourned it, grieved it. Done with it. I think I would be devestated it if happened. Strange I know. Because then it would be I'd have to wait to have another one of our African babes, and that would break my heart.
Funny how time changes your choices.
Great post.
Yes, GREAT post Sheri.
Very well spoken! These are many of my thoughts exactly. You've done a great job of putting it into words!
It's funny how our adoptive friends never ask why we chose to adopt... yet total stangers think it's their right to know!
Oh,and I've also heard the "you'll get pregnant right after you adopt, it happens all the time!". Well, no actually not... a very tiny percent of couples get pregnant right after they adopt.
And I totally understand the no desire to get pregnant. People don't get that... they say "I thought you wanted children of your own!"
Nice post. I think because I'm single I get let off the hook. People assume I adopted by choice. I think I would be looked at askance if I got pregnant as a single mom, but less so if I adopt. Anyway, none of it is anyone's business, but I do think the assumptions are reversed if you're single.
I applaud you for blogging about this Sheri. It is definitely something I am curious about but also fear to ask. As we both know, people can be friends for lengths of time and never know the answer to this question. By the way, we are a "had extreme reproductive assistance to have our daughter before we chose adoption" family. Can't wait to see you when I get back. Do you still hve my phone???
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