I've been thinking about racism. When most people think of racism, they think of the mean comments, the turned up noses and the cruel looks.
But what about the opposite actions?
What about the overly nice? It too can be racism. Not all of it is, but it can be.
[For the sake of categorizing people, I will be using colors. I mean it in no offensive manner and I apologize for not listing all the different races individually.]
Imagine a white daycare teacher with only one black / brown child amongst all the other kids. She finds him adorable. Cute as a button. Special. The teacher singles him out. Spends extra time with him because he is just so fun and so cute. Allows him to get away with things other kids can't.
Imagine a grandparent with both bio-grandkids and one internationally adopted grandchild. Unintentionally they single her out. They spend more time with her and/or more money on her. They show her pictures off more than the others. Loves to tell everyone about her.
Imagine friends of the family....
Imagine a parent with both bio and adopted kids ....
Imagine ...
They all have the potential to do the same thing just because they're an adorable kid from another race. They single them out. They show them off. It's still racism. It may not be the "cruel" racism, but it's singling out another race and making people feel uncomfortable.
I was photographing a wedding the other day. A mom came in with her two daughters. She treated them very differently, doing some of the things I've mentioned above. It finally became apparent why when she looked at me and said "She's my step daughter. Drives me nuts!". She was just a child, doing nothing different than the bio-child. I could see the loneliness in the young girl's face. I smiled at her and I became her friend for the rest of the day.
I've been catching up with old friends lately from highschool and college. My 10-year reunion for college is this year. I've been asked alot about kids. Whether I have any [yes], how many [1], how old [16 months] ... do I volunteer that he's adopted? No. Am I ashamed? No. But why point it out? Why make a deal of it? It'll be obvious when people see photos or see us together. We don't have to make it any more dramatic than it is. If I get asked do you have kids and answer yes, he's adopted, I'm giving permission to others that it's okay to single us out; that we're different and it should be made aware. It will give more freedom to others to introduce him as "they're adopted son" instead of "their son". Yes we may have expanded our family a little differently than others, but we're family and we want to be a normal family. We don't want to be singled out. We don't want to be talked about just because we're an adoptive family, or just because our son is black.
But what about the opposite actions?
What about the overly nice? It too can be racism. Not all of it is, but it can be.
[For the sake of categorizing people, I will be using colors. I mean it in no offensive manner and I apologize for not listing all the different races individually.]
Imagine a white daycare teacher with only one black / brown child amongst all the other kids. She finds him adorable. Cute as a button. Special. The teacher singles him out. Spends extra time with him because he is just so fun and so cute. Allows him to get away with things other kids can't.
Imagine a grandparent with both bio-grandkids and one internationally adopted grandchild. Unintentionally they single her out. They spend more time with her and/or more money on her. They show her pictures off more than the others. Loves to tell everyone about her.
Imagine friends of the family....
Imagine a parent with both bio and adopted kids ....
Imagine ...
They all have the potential to do the same thing just because they're an adorable kid from another race. They single them out. They show them off. It's still racism. It may not be the "cruel" racism, but it's singling out another race and making people feel uncomfortable.
I was photographing a wedding the other day. A mom came in with her two daughters. She treated them very differently, doing some of the things I've mentioned above. It finally became apparent why when she looked at me and said "She's my step daughter. Drives me nuts!". She was just a child, doing nothing different than the bio-child. I could see the loneliness in the young girl's face. I smiled at her and I became her friend for the rest of the day.
I've been catching up with old friends lately from highschool and college. My 10-year reunion for college is this year. I've been asked alot about kids. Whether I have any [yes], how many [1], how old [16 months] ... do I volunteer that he's adopted? No. Am I ashamed? No. But why point it out? Why make a deal of it? It'll be obvious when people see photos or see us together. We don't have to make it any more dramatic than it is. If I get asked do you have kids and answer yes, he's adopted, I'm giving permission to others that it's okay to single us out; that we're different and it should be made aware. It will give more freedom to others to introduce him as "they're adopted son" instead of "their son". Yes we may have expanded our family a little differently than others, but we're family and we want to be a normal family. We don't want to be singled out. We don't want to be talked about just because we're an adoptive family, or just because our son is black.
Another important thing to remember when volunteering that we are an adoptive family, not all people think adoption is a wonderful thing. Some people don't approve especially when adopting internationally / interracially - why take a child from his country, culture and heritage? And you won't necessarily know they feel that way until too late.
As an transracially adoptive family, we pray and hope for no racism towards us or our son. Nonetheless, we know it will happen. People aren't perfect. We'll teach, we'll continue to learn too and we'll discern. No one said parenting was easy. No one said adoption was easy. This is a life long journey of love.
9 comments:
You always have great topics and you are always very honest.
You are right, no one said parenting/adoption is easy.... it will always be a life long journey and one that I am sure we will enjoy !
Great post and I cannot wait to hear all about your time in Ethiopia !
Lisa
I appreciate your thoughts on this delicate issue. Obviously there will be situations that occur once in awhile where we will all need to think more before doing or speaking but as you said this is a life long journey of love. Our dependence must remain on God and through Him we will continue to learn, to teach others and yes to discern whats best at the time. I am sure we will all make the odd mistake and hopefully we will learn from those :) For all of us but most importantly Mikiyas, Lyle and yourself this is a wonderful opportunity for God to live in and through each of us daily.
Thankyou for giving us all this opportunity to think deeper and love tenderly.
You are exactly right! Nicely said, too. I appreciate your honesty and ability to say things in a great way. Have fun in Ethiopia!
Good post! I dealt with racism as a child protecting my adopted brother. It was confusing to me that other kids would say mean things to my brother because he was a different color. It's like losing the innocence. I think as parents it's so important how we deal with it, both in response up front and after the fact, helping our kids understand positively versus installing negativity. I'm noticing how I respond to other adoptive families, not singling out their Ethiopian children from their bio children. Do unto others! It's a good practice!
Gina
Great comments about the dangers of "good racism", Sheri. When I was in Guelph, the university newspaper had a column written about this where the writer had overheard two teen girls talking on the bus about how they wanted to marry a black man so that they could have a black baby, since they are so cute. The writer was so offended, and was describing how this type of thinking just reduced black men to their colour and the cute baby that they would provide. Another example of how people can believe their ideas are based on good intentions and not understand that they are racist and hurtful to the other party. Any parent has to worry about other kids picking on their child, but racism adds another dimension to it.
Chris
Hi Sherry,
thanks for the insightful post. I really appreciated it and was convicted on how I often talk about how much I want a "black baby". I know my intentions are right but it may not come across like that at all.
I love how you aren't going to volunteer that your son is adopted too. You're setting a good example for others on how you live and talk about your son.
emily
Yet another good post! Another huge problem is sterotyping. Dassie is a great dancer and I can't count how many times I've heard, those people have such a sense of Rhythm. I wonder how shocked they will be when she isn't the world's greatest athelet. I have heard parens of asian children complain that people automatically assume their child is super smart, because everyone knows that asians are so smart. And blacks are great athelets, and Indians are cheap.
It just doesn't seem to end.
Terri
i think that racism is bad
because u should not juge
pple
how they look lyk
Hi, very interesting post, greetings from Greece!
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