This is probably going to be one of the most important posts we will make on this blog. It is a post we have put much thought and time into. We apologize now for length. It was hard to keep it even this short with the massive amount of information that could easily have been shared. We have read pages and pages of information and discussed the topic with both professionals and adoptive families. This post is to be read, possibly more than once, and ingrained in your minds.
First, I'm going to take some quotes from some of our previous blogs for review. It has been over a year for a lot of our educational posts.
December 30, 2005:
"Attachment is another key thing that has the potential of being especially difficult. Not just with us, but with each person an adoptive person encounters for the remainder of their life. It is up to us to establish their confidence and self esteem. Attachment is foundation. It is the "prototype for relationships". A child uses the attachment with parents [adopted or not] as a way of interpreting the actions of others and as a way of moderating his/her own behaviours. As hard as it may be to believe, unattached children are stunted socially, physically and intellectually. "
March 1, 2006:
"Depending on how things go for us during the first two weeks we are with the child [which will be in Africa], limitations may be in place regarding human contact when we come home. It is so vitally important that the child learns that we are now the primary caregivers, not ten different people from one hour to the next. So much will be lost during those months he/she is in an orphanage. Most people think "It's just an infant", "You'll have the rest of your life to bond" or "We're so excited we don't want to have to wait". I don't know how to put hours of reading pages upon pages of research and hours listening in seminars into this little blog to explain just how much is lost. What happens in those first months is amazing and for most people, because their children are biological, they have no idea unless they review the research. It is understandably taken for granted. All an infant does is trust other people to meet his/her needs. When so many people are doing that, and only that [no play time, walks, fun interaction], so much development is lost. A prime example, which we may have explained in here before, is that in some orphanages, children go from sitting in a crib to walking. There is no crawling stage. That crawling stage teaches hand eye coordination and other brain intensive skills. They find, even at older ages like eight, they need to have children go back to crawling to teach those motor skills."
February 4, 2006
"It has been suggested in the past that for every three months a child is institutionalized, there is one month of developmental delay. In actuality, she has found that after twelve to sixteen months of being institutionalized there was only two months of delay no matter what the age of the child was."
So the new stuff now. All adoptive children have experienced a loss, and are therefore at a higher risk of developing attachment issues. Not just early attachment issues, but ones that can continue into their adult life. It cannot be emphasized enough how important good attachment is. During their first year of life, babies focus on getting their needs met. Diaper changing, being fed, clothed, bathed ... They build their trust in their caregiver[s], in most cases their parent[s]. It's a cycle: discomfort-need-gratification-trust. When the cycle is disrupted, so is trust. Such disruptions include illness, separation from the birth mother, foster care, and orphanages. Thus begins going from one consistent caregiver to multiple, inconsistent caregivers. Trust goes out the window.
It is wonderful watching children run up to everyone for hugs, but it is NOT a good thing. It signals this child doesn't understand the family dynamic and is so used to multiple caregivers they assume everyone is there for them and they can trust everyone. Don't get me wrong though. I do look forward to the day Mikiyas' aunt or uncle stops by and he is delighted to see them, giving them a big hug. But it takes time. And before our family can be comfortable with that, he needs to learn healthy trust.
There's a pecking order to this trust though. His parents are first, and we are not on an equal playing field as anyone else. Multiple caregivers will have ended with the foster home. Inconsistent / multiple caregivers is one of the leading negative affects on attachment. But don't think that this is meant for infants. Attachment generally takes place in the first 8 to 36 months.
When discussing attachment the other day with someone, they said two things that we feel need to be corrected:
1. Mikiyas will be different. Um, sure. We don't know that. We hope to have a wonderful little boy that is an absolute angel. That he fits perfectly into our family. That he is healthy, obedient, loving ... you get the picture. What parents don't want this? But in reality, we just don't know what Mikiyas will be like, no matter how much faith we put into it. He is who he is and we haven't even met him yet. We can pray and we will continue to.
2. But in his last pictures he was happy. He'll be fine - he's coming around. Do you realize that those pictures were taken over 3 months after he "lost" [I use that word loosely - don't make any assumptions] his biological family and entered an orphanage? We received photos monthly and only 3 months later did they finally get a picture where he tried to smile. He may be coming around there ... but that took 3 months. Now we're going to go there, remove from his life what he knows to be family again, remove his trust and any possible attachment he's made, remove the smells, sounds and people that he knows as home, and bring him here. The cycle begins again.
As you can see, from the length of this post, this is important to us. So we ask that any boundaries we set in place when Mikiyas comes home, be respected. Please don't ask for exceptions, or a "just this once opportunity". Even if you don't agree, please just respect our wishes. It is done out of love for Mikiyas, and for our family. And please don't take it personal. If you don't respect this, we may just send you home with a text book. A big text book.
This post doesn't end here though. We will be sending out a personal letter to those of you who will be involved in Mikiyas' life regularly.
First, I'm going to take some quotes from some of our previous blogs for review. It has been over a year for a lot of our educational posts.
December 30, 2005:
"Attachment is another key thing that has the potential of being especially difficult. Not just with us, but with each person an adoptive person encounters for the remainder of their life. It is up to us to establish their confidence and self esteem. Attachment is foundation. It is the "prototype for relationships". A child uses the attachment with parents [adopted or not] as a way of interpreting the actions of others and as a way of moderating his/her own behaviours. As hard as it may be to believe, unattached children are stunted socially, physically and intellectually. "
March 1, 2006:
"Depending on how things go for us during the first two weeks we are with the child [which will be in Africa], limitations may be in place regarding human contact when we come home. It is so vitally important that the child learns that we are now the primary caregivers, not ten different people from one hour to the next. So much will be lost during those months he/she is in an orphanage. Most people think "It's just an infant", "You'll have the rest of your life to bond" or "We're so excited we don't want to have to wait". I don't know how to put hours of reading pages upon pages of research and hours listening in seminars into this little blog to explain just how much is lost. What happens in those first months is amazing and for most people, because their children are biological, they have no idea unless they review the research. It is understandably taken for granted. All an infant does is trust other people to meet his/her needs. When so many people are doing that, and only that [no play time, walks, fun interaction], so much development is lost. A prime example, which we may have explained in here before, is that in some orphanages, children go from sitting in a crib to walking. There is no crawling stage. That crawling stage teaches hand eye coordination and other brain intensive skills. They find, even at older ages like eight, they need to have children go back to crawling to teach those motor skills."
February 4, 2006
"It has been suggested in the past that for every three months a child is institutionalized, there is one month of developmental delay. In actuality, she has found that after twelve to sixteen months of being institutionalized there was only two months of delay no matter what the age of the child was."
So the new stuff now. All adoptive children have experienced a loss, and are therefore at a higher risk of developing attachment issues. Not just early attachment issues, but ones that can continue into their adult life. It cannot be emphasized enough how important good attachment is. During their first year of life, babies focus on getting their needs met. Diaper changing, being fed, clothed, bathed ... They build their trust in their caregiver[s], in most cases their parent[s]. It's a cycle: discomfort-need-gratification-trust. When the cycle is disrupted, so is trust. Such disruptions include illness, separation from the birth mother, foster care, and orphanages. Thus begins going from one consistent caregiver to multiple, inconsistent caregivers. Trust goes out the window.
It is wonderful watching children run up to everyone for hugs, but it is NOT a good thing. It signals this child doesn't understand the family dynamic and is so used to multiple caregivers they assume everyone is there for them and they can trust everyone. Don't get me wrong though. I do look forward to the day Mikiyas' aunt or uncle stops by and he is delighted to see them, giving them a big hug. But it takes time. And before our family can be comfortable with that, he needs to learn healthy trust.
There's a pecking order to this trust though. His parents are first, and we are not on an equal playing field as anyone else. Multiple caregivers will have ended with the foster home. Inconsistent / multiple caregivers is one of the leading negative affects on attachment. But don't think that this is meant for infants. Attachment generally takes place in the first 8 to 36 months.
When discussing attachment the other day with someone, they said two things that we feel need to be corrected:
1. Mikiyas will be different. Um, sure. We don't know that. We hope to have a wonderful little boy that is an absolute angel. That he fits perfectly into our family. That he is healthy, obedient, loving ... you get the picture. What parents don't want this? But in reality, we just don't know what Mikiyas will be like, no matter how much faith we put into it. He is who he is and we haven't even met him yet. We can pray and we will continue to.
2. But in his last pictures he was happy. He'll be fine - he's coming around. Do you realize that those pictures were taken over 3 months after he "lost" [I use that word loosely - don't make any assumptions] his biological family and entered an orphanage? We received photos monthly and only 3 months later did they finally get a picture where he tried to smile. He may be coming around there ... but that took 3 months. Now we're going to go there, remove from his life what he knows to be family again, remove his trust and any possible attachment he's made, remove the smells, sounds and people that he knows as home, and bring him here. The cycle begins again.
As you can see, from the length of this post, this is important to us. So we ask that any boundaries we set in place when Mikiyas comes home, be respected. Please don't ask for exceptions, or a "just this once opportunity". Even if you don't agree, please just respect our wishes. It is done out of love for Mikiyas, and for our family. And please don't take it personal. If you don't respect this, we may just send you home with a text book. A big text book.
This post doesn't end here though. We will be sending out a personal letter to those of you who will be involved in Mikiyas' life regularly.
4 comments:
Way to go guys. This is so important and so true.
As an adoptive parent myself, I can only say that everything you say in this post we agree with and of course..it goes without saying...we respect.
We had some people disregard our wishes in this area when our little ones first came home and it is so hard (annoying...infuriating) to take your child out of someone's arms (a close relative) and say.."Hey, we meant what we said...we don't want anyone else holding him/her right now"
We had people say the same things to us like..."Oh they're fine now, you can tell they're OK" and ask us how long we were going to be so "strict" on this no holding thing. We said "until we feel they are completely attached and see us as their primary care givers, and not a moment sooner."
So, I would say to other people reading this who happen not to be adoptive parents or who don't "get" what Lyle and Sheri are saying...please respect their wishes on these issues.
Ultimately, what we all desire and pray for is children that are bonded and well attached. By observing these boundaries, we will be helping Mikiyas to grow up to be just that...a healthy, happy, well adjusted little boy.
Again, way to go Lyle and Sheri...I am so very happy for you.
Such an exciting time.
Lesley
It's funny, because I always thought that my mom would come and stay with us the first few weeks we had the kids... it's the tradition in our family that gramma come and help (and she really is helpful!) My parents have even considered going to Ethiopia with us... there's no denying they would be a wonderful help, but I think we'll put off the visit for a few weeks after we get back and settle in.
I totally understand the theories of attachment and aplaud you taking the steps you think are necessary... it's hard to draw those boundaries (and I still don't know where we will draw them~)
Cheers
Nicky
Wonderfully written! Seriously, you were able to explain it better than what I have. I've explained the "no holding" rule and some get it and others don't. I just might refer them to your post!
this is oh so important! i am so happy that mikiyas will be coming into a home whose parents respect his life experiences and are eager to attach. i hope all goes well for you.
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